I have been thinking a bit about people that I used to know this week. People who have died. I always do, I suppose I’m a bit of a dweller, but perhaps a bit more lately as I’ve been writing some stuff about cancer. All my dead people except one had the big C. So that’s a fair bit of C. A fair bit of watching people you love being eaten from the inside out, until everything collapses in on itself.
I watched a movie in the late 80s called Less Than Zero, and the chick in it said she had a creepy feeling that her dead loved one (Possibly her Grandfather? My memory is a bit sketchy, it was the 80s after all) were watching her doing stuff. She was a bit weirded out by it, mainly because she was having lots of sex.
I too think of the people I know who have died, and I imagine that they too are sometimes watching me, but I have made some rules up of what they do and what they don’t see. Even dead dudes need boundaries.
They don’t watch me in intimate moments, like, going to the toilet or yelling at my kids. They give my some privacy.
They don’t follow me around when I’m doing boring stuff like waiting for the car to get serviced, or doing the food shopping, although, apparently they do hover when I’m clothes shopping. Particularly when I NEED those jeans on sale in a size 8. (They find them and then pour me into them.)
They do sit nearby when I’m upset about them dying, especially when I’m in a secure little place like the car or the shower and think I might have a little cry. I feel their warm breath in my ear telling me it’s okay to miss them, but that it’s okay to be happy if I want.
The hang out with me when I play the music they like, and I think I can hear them singing along, faintly, just faintly, at the blurry edges of my hearing.
They come and visit when I need a hand with something, especially if it’s a protection-type thing, or something that mortals can’t really help with. They have superpowers to bend things a little if required.
I have given them some other powers too: they can read minds, so I don’t have to seem like a nutter, having my conversations out loud. They can also organise things for me if I ask, like shuffle my appointment book around, or to help with the kids. They can get my kid good blood on transfusion day, as well as a competent doctor who will hit the vein up first go. They keep an eye on my kids when they are out in the world, and help them to be safe.
They help me with; the plot twists of life, being graceful in defeat and they give me a nudge when I need some help to step onto a stage and be unafraid to share my heart. They help me to keep on going when I want to stop, to remember to dream, to let the sun shine on my face before rushing off to the next thing, and to take the time to simply be present for a moment. Most of all, they remind me that no matter what happens, life is a gift and the present is something that must be held gently and sweetly as it’s the only thing I truly have.