I live in Queensland.  We can’t have daylight savings up here, because: cows and curtain care, so sometime around 5am an INFERNAL RACKET starts up.  No, it’s not the kids sneakily turning on iDevices to play Minecraft (that starts at 5.28am), it’s BLOODY BIRDS.

Billions (yes, that’s right, billions) of them.

Outside.

How dare they? You’d think they bloody owned the whole of outside, they way they carry on.

I hate birds.  Yes, even Rainbow Lorikeets.  Yes, even Doves.  Yes, even tiny little Finches.  Yes, even your cute little pet that is so friendly and cute and wouldn’t peck anyone and for some reason you have taught how to repeat inane phrases.   All.Of.Them.  Winged rats they are, spreading disease (maybe) and poo (definitely) and making noise, and waking me up every.single.morning.  They are vermin and they should be stopped.

The good news is, I have a cat.  Woofa, her name is, and although I don’t want her to go around killing birds (maybe), I got her to be an effective bird deterrer  great pet for the kids.  Trouble is, this is Woofa:

Woofa the Shitcat

and that is what she does all day.  Finds things (in this case it is Kid 2’s reading folder) and lies on them, sleeping all.frigging.day.  Putting long white cat fur on the dark coloured stuff, and long dark-brown cat fur on the light coloured stuff.  You could be forgiven for thinking the cat has no eyes, because you never see them.  But this is not a post about that shitcat, it’s a post about birds and how much I hate the infernal pests.

Did I mention I hate birds?  It’s not Ornithophobia, I’m not scared of the bastards (any more), I just abhor them and their stupid little pointy mouths. And their ugly little stick legs.  And their beady dead eyes. Evil, beady eyes.

So, the morning birds: they suck, but today a new horror began: afternoon birds.  Some kind of huge, black, cockatoo things have come to roost and shriek like Nazgul in my front tree.  They scream and squeal and decimate the bottle-brush and chuck the bits they don’t like all over the drive way.  Or, like today, onto my head.  It bloody well hurt. I may have been seriously concussed mildly stunned.

Birds=1, Me=0

Tomorrow I’m gonna fix them and this terrible situation.  I’m getting a hacksaw out of Nath’s trailer and I’m gonna hack off every one of those bottle-brushes so they won’t have a single thing to eat.

Yeah.

Birds=1, Me=1.

But then: birds starving and die, so,

Birds=1 (and dead,) Me=2.

I win the bird wars.

What do you think of birds?  Ever been pecked by one of those filthy magpies?

What’s your worst animal?