Marshmallow Kids

Want to know what is wrong with the world these days?

I’ll tell you.


And not in the way you think.  Sure they are annoying, rude (honest?), silly, time consuming, wake-up too early on Sundays, don’t eat without messing up the whole floor, make too much noise in cafes, expensive and all that, but the real reason is that they are idiots.

Last weekend we didn’t do the normal shop online because we were suffering from memory loss due to alcohols away on a mini-break, so Nathan trundled down to our local Coles on Monday arvo to get the staples.  As we mostly shop online, we sometimes go a bit craycray when we get to see all the produce up close.  Our normal two hundred or so buck shop can blow out to almost three, with Grain Waves and fresh blueberries and warm bread-type products to touch and feel.

From the shops he sent me this:


Want these?


Oh Sweet Baby Cheeses, you bet I do!  Snowballs??!  I haven’t had one of those babies since the great Altona Softball Club Snowball Drive of 1982.  So he got them and I dutifully doled them out to the waiting lunchboxes, rubbing my hands together at all the praise I’d be getting that night for being THE BEST MUM.  After school, I opened the lunchboxes, expecting accolades but instead finding two plump snowballs.  With nary a bite out of them.  I flew downstairs flabbergasted and fearful.  What was wrong with the kids?  Were they sick?  Dead even?  Upon interrogation questioning it was revealed that they “really didn’t like them” and “they were too sweet”.


Too sweet?

What does that mean?

What good is a lolly if it doesn’t make your teeth tingle all the way down to the dentine?

Who are these children, where did they come from, and what is wrong with them anyway?

I checked the other compartments of the lunch boxes: Apple? Gone.  Sandwiches? Eaten.  Carrots and snow peas? Finished.  Crackers, cheese and tomatoes?  Nowhere to be seen.  Even all of the water out of the drink bottles was gone.

I have no idea what is going on here.  Are they taking the piss, throwing out all of the healthy food in an attempt to send me gently insane?  Or do they really not like the marshies?  Really?

I’m in the kitchen right now, concocting a little litmus test.  I’m baking them a slice made with the world’s second best ingredient (condensed milk) that will be so sweet their taste buds will bug-out and their feet will flutter.

If they don’t eat it, I’m calling an ambulance.  Or the men in white suits.  (For me).


Do your kids eat sweeties?

How huge am I gonna be now that this is happening?

Bitten snowball

Oh sweetness, mine

…From The Ashers xxx